Understanding Intimate Partner Violence: Power, Control, and the Path to Safety

By Jackie Luciani

Intimate partner violence, often called IPV, is not simply an argument, a “bad relationship,” or a one-time loss of control. It is a pattern of abusive and coercive behavior used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another partner. This abuse can happen in current or former romantic relationships, including dating relationships, marriages, and partnerships. According to the CDC, intimate partner violence can include physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression. It can range from a single incident to ongoing, severe abuse over time.

Intimate partner violence may include verbal abuse, emotional or psychological abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, economic abuse, threats, intimidation, isolation, or other controlling behaviors. The U.S. Department of Justice describes domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner, including physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological abuse.

One of the most important things to understand about IPV is that it can happen to anyone. It occurs across all races, religions, cultures, socioeconomic backgrounds, ages, education levels, genders, and sexual orientations. While women are disproportionately affected, men can also be abused, and people in LGBTQ+ relationships can experience intimate partner violence as well. No one is immune from abuse, and no one deserves it.

At the center of intimate partner violence is power and control. Abuse is often not random. It is usually a pattern of behavior meant to make the survivor feel afraid, dependent, isolated, ashamed, or unable to leave. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that the Power and Control Wheel is commonly used to show how abusive partners may use intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing, blaming, using children, economic abuse, threats, and coercion to maintain control.

Abuse often escalates over time. It may begin with jealousy, criticism, possessiveness, or controlling behavior and later become more intense or dangerous. A partner may monitor phone use, control money, isolate someone from friends and family, threaten harm, force sexual activity, or use children as a way to manipulate or pressure the other person. In many situations, the abusive partner needs outside intervention and individual accountability-focused help to stop the behavior.

Many survivors stay in abusive relationships for complex and understandable reasons. It is never as simple as “just leave.” A person may stay because of fear, shame, love, financial dependence, lack of housing, concern for children, isolation, threats, cultural or family pressure, or the belief that they cannot survive without their partner. Some survivors have been told repeatedly that the abuse is their fault. Others may hope the person they love will change, especially after an apology or period of kindness.

Leaving can also be dangerous. Safety experts emphasize that leaving an abusive relationship may increase risk, especially if the abusive partner feels they are losing control. For that reason, survivors are often encouraged to work with trained advocates or crisis professionals to create a safety plan before leaving, whenever possible. A safety plan may include where to go, who to call, how to protect important documents, how to leave safely with children, and what to do if the abuser becomes more threatening. WomensLaw notes that someone ending an abusive relationship may face increased danger, which is why planning around safety is so important.

Children are also deeply affected by intimate partner violence, even when they are not directly harmed. Children who witness abuse may experience anxiety, depression, aggression, difficulty sleeping, trouble concentrating, and problems regulating emotions. They may also learn unhealthy relationship patterns if they grow up believing that fear, control, or violence are normal parts of love. Sometimes abuse is passed down through generations because the abusive person witnessed or experienced abuse earlier in life. While this may help explain where the behavior came from, it does not excuse it.

It is also important to address common myths. Alcohol does not cause abuse. Stress does not cause abuse. A survivor does not cause abuse. These may be excuses an abusive person uses, but abuse is ultimately about power and control. Being sorry afterward does not erase the harm. A violent response is never justified.

Couples counseling is generally not considered appropriate when there is ongoing abuse because there is a power imbalance in the relationship. In couples counseling, both people are usually expected to share responsibility for relationship problems. In an abusive relationship, that can place the survivor at greater risk or create pressure to “own” part of the abuse. Abuse requires accountability from the abusive partner and safety-centered support for the survivor.

For anyone supporting someone who may be experiencing intimate partner violence, the words we use matter. Survivors may already feel blamed, ashamed, or afraid. Helpful messages include:

“You are not alone.”

“This happens to many people.”

“You are not to blame for what your partner does.”

“You did not cause the abuse.”

“You do not deserve to be abused.”

“You cannot control their violence.”

“Because they are sorry afterward does not make the abuse okay.”

“There is support available when you are ready.”

These messages can help counter the harmful things survivors may have been told by an abusive partner or by others who do not understand abuse.

If someone is in immediate danger, they should call 911. For confidential support, safety planning, and help finding local resources, survivors and concerned loved ones can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).The Hotline offers 24/7 support for people experiencing abuse, people questioning whether their relationship is abusive, and friends or family members who want to help.

Intimate partner violence is serious, but support is available. Survivors deserve safety, dignity, and choices. They deserve to be believed, not blamed. And they deserve to know that abuse is never their fault.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2026). About intimate partner violence.

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Domestic violence support.

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Power and control.

U.S. Department of Justice, Office on Violence Against Women. (2025). Domestic violence.

WomensLaw. (n.d.). Safety planning.